What Dreams May Come--a commentary

Today--

2012-02-08T10:09:00.000-08:00

Its has been a very long time since I last posted. I dont think that anyone reads this regularly.

But this is what I am feeling today, and I needed to get it out.

A lot of the time I wish that people would understand that depression is a forever thing. That it just doesnt GO away. That it effects the most simplistic of things.
That getting out of bed can be the biggest of deals. That you have to pull yourself out of a hole, day after day, and breathe and live, and go on-- and that it hurts to do so.
I wish that it could be understood, that every day is a victory if you dont let it win, and every day there is a small part of you that wants it to win.
I wish that people would know, would care, would see, that depression is very real-- and when it has you.....

Its a fight-- every day-- just to claim yourself as your own.

Untitled

2011-10-10T12:25:00.000-07:00

Its unfortunate that its all consuming. That it literally consumes all.

My hope, my light, my sight-- all is eaten by the darkness and the light wavers as a single pin pint hovering above where I might never reach.

Its too much. It too...too.

And it leaves unsteady legs, wobbling as they lurch forward in a patter and rhythm that makes them shudder.

Feeling is

Huh?

2011-09-13T08:13:00.000-07:00

Had a great dinner last night with a friend who made a Chicken piccatta?-- something like that it was delicious is all i KNOW!

However work is a different story. Tell me if this makes sense--

Manager: Please send an email to person 1 and person 2 asking them for something.

Me: ok--- I send the email.

Person 1: DON'T send emails to person 2-- he doesn't exist. I will get you the info you need--

Person 1(yesterday): Don't send emails to just one person.

So.... tell me-- what to do what to do--

My solution: pray hard-- asking for strength and serenity.

New Job

2011-09-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

I am slowly loosing my mind--- something that will take me eons to get back-- sanity.

The work environment must be a place of comfort and productivity. Not a place where you feel stupid for following procedure only to get told that you are doing something wrong or NOT thinking.

The culture is something that you need to be able to embrace and the company should have similar values that you, yourself have. It should be a place that you LIKE going to, most days, and a place of growth--ideally.

This is NOT the place where I work. I work in a high turnover company, whose employees are in their early to mid 20's-- NO benefits-- and a top dag who LOVES to hear himself talk, but rarely listens--- thus is the work life apparently.

All this to say that I need more money (since I got low balled on my salary) and in order to do so I will be seeking out preferably another position, but in the meantime maybe a part time gig?

Who knows-- I need to write more that's for sure-- so maybe once of those secondary jobs can be in writing.

Any suggestions on resources is appreciated-- any jobs needed to weekend/evening help I AM HERE!

Anyone need a marketing professional with a graduate degree? HELLLLLLOOOOOOO! :)

This past Weekend

2011-09-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was nuckin futs.

It was by no means a normal weekend for me and I am not sure how I really feel about it.

It started Friday night with me bailing (per a norm) on my friends bday party-- I was tired ok!

But then I was jokingly replying to a request for a sugar baby and BOOM im in talks for a Sugar Daddy--

Now, normally this is NOT something that I would consider, but I thought why not--

My new motto being: ONLY IF ITS EASY

Because it was easy-- then it got uncomfortable and a lil scary-- this person started blowing up my phone and just generally creeped me out.

Anywho I declined to meet with him on Sunday as planned due to those reasons. You never want to do anything if you have a bad feeling about it.

Saturday-- nothing really went down major, went out that night and wish I would have stayed home. I think that it was a combo of VERY boring environment- not drinking to ease that pain of being there-- and then my own issues of NOT wanting to be in the same environment as some Los Angelenos-- the FAKE HAIR has me trippin and I just dont want to be around people that want this Pocahontas look--with someone else's hair and a dress that is barely there.

Call me crazy I guess. I also need to find my own confidence and hold onto that.

Sunday came and I spent the day with my mom-- which was nice, brunch at Nola's downtown was ok-- nothing there blew my mind in any way-- other than the office gossip I got.

Sunday night though- lost my cell phone and found it again (whew), and then there was a HUGE domestic disturbance next door to us. It was loud and it was largely unnecessary-- I blame the younger generation.

This chick just wouldnt stop antagonizing a clearly irrational and drunk individual. It got pretty bad and the cops and paramedics were called. I was 2 seconds from calling the cops myself. It was a little scary-- I dont want to be one of those people that dont DO anything when there is something to be done.

Holy Moly

2011-03-13T11:25:00.000-07:00

Well,

Havent written on here in what is almost a year.

Lost my job, lost my apartment, found a part of myself.

Going to move to LA after I graduate, and only made interesting by the addition of digging deep and finding myself. Its a painful process but one that I am hoping will net out a bright BRIGHT future for me.

I second guess my decision, and am just wanting to "Enter Greatness".

Thought for a Monay

2010-05-10T06:08:00.001-07:00

I am trying this new thing where I focus solely on me and my wants.I want to be healthier and work out every day. I want to feel better about the woman I am and the woman that I hope to be. I want to be more in tune and in touch with God and his plan for me. I want to be able to let go and know that things will work out as He sees fit. I want to have better money management, and I want to not THINK so much about things that dont really matter-- like men. HA! I want for things to work out for me and I want to be better organized in my life so that I can see my path and be able to live and breathe serenity and find my center. I want to be the best of things, and see my faults and minimize them. I want to be strong for my friends and family, and myself. I want to have patience and know that everyday I am working towards magic in creating my life.

I want to wake up knowing that I am enough, and living the days with that in mind.

I want to be enough for myself and for those that I love.

I want Mondays to go away-- however--lol--one can only want so much.

Ta Ta for now.

B

Some things might not be meant to be....I need to keep it pushin

2010-04-18T18:37:00.001-07:00

So, whats really sad--- is that nobody actually reads this--other than my 2 followers-- not even my family.

AND

that I think im destined to be alone. Not having an actual relationship in 6 years is NOT a phase-- its a reality--and should be a sign to myself--however I have chosen to ignore the facts and place my faith in the "what if".

I am trying more and more each day to be ok with this reality. Girlfriends that mean well-- are NOT making the situation any better. Their eternal springs of hope-- dont help. They just place me back in the cycle that leads to disappointment.

Here are the facts-- and I am prepared to face and accept them, even if I dont want to. so yeah..

I just think that this whole, "the right person is out there" and "you WILL meet him"-- when NOTHING positive has happened in 6 years-- cant be a good sign or a healthy way to think about this. I know that they want to bring postitivity to my life-- but the SITUATION speaks for itself. I might not be meant for anyone on this earth. I might be meant for solitude and something other than being in a relationship and being able to build and share my life with a significant other. This hopeless romantic is just that-- HOPELESS! And to repeatedly tell me something that is alternative to what is FACTUAL and what LIFE PATTERN has arisen-- I know is meant well-- but in MY REALITY is just mean! It gives me hope-- which ultimately leads to disappointment and shattered dreams once again. No matter what I WANT-- it might not be what I get. So....

Im trying-- to be a big girl about this--to face the facts and reality. To look at my hopes in the face and say-- "You might not be-- so I need to let you go" Its not that its easy to do this-- its not that I dont shed tears and mourn for the loss of hope-- I do. But in order for me to not dwell on this-- in order for me to move on and not SEE EVERYTHING THAT I WANT NOT HAPPEN TO ME. In order for me to be ok and be happy when others are happy with their others... to not constantly compare myself and come up short because no man cares about me for me--- I need to let this go--

So.....

Here I stand- alone.

New Dawn New Day-- and yeah Im Feelin Pretty Good

2010-02-02T14:00:00.000-08:00

So I GOT A PROMOTION!!!!!

I am now a Marketing Associate on a P & G brand. WOO HOOO

It has taken a little time for me to get acquainted with my new position and Im learning new things every day! Its so exciting and rewarding to know that the work you have done will be seen by TONS of people. I need to work where I can see a result and know that I affected that change.

I am still transitioning to living here in Boston without my ride or dies... MISS YALL!!!!

I miss just seeing my friends whenever, and someone having something going on at their house--- or hitting up a great eatery--or just being and catching up on stuff.

Im working out being happy every day and in the little things. I have started school again, and so on Tuesdays and Wednesdays please just PASS THE REDBULL (sugar free suga!)

I am just trying to find my place in the world while noticing that I am in fact aging...

Question: Ladies-- do you feel pressure to have at least one of the following under your belt or BOTH--- Professional Career--- wherein you are on a solid path of a career of your choosing, not just working a job

Domestic-- being able to lock down that dude, and take those next steps.... or even have a long term relationship?

Iunno-- they SAY that I shouldnt worry about things like that but im 26 and aint getting any younger. I feel as though Im floudering as I have none of those under my belt-- WELL MAYBE THE FIRST NOW....

But to feel a strong connection with a significant other? Nope-- not Bri-- sigh-- moving forward....

I do wonder-- what happens if Im 33 and unmarried. I want babies-- Do I then consider having a family of my own SANS man? Because I could do that-- I dont want to and it certainly is not preferred, but I could-- (Shout out to my mom who RAISED 3 kids-- all of whom are in collegiate education, no drugs, no babies, no nothing but that great straight path of edcuation and family values--no disrespect it was just how i was raised) My mom has infused in me strength and with that strength courage to do what I need to do for my life....

I want a family and to have babies-- I do-- but Im not intimidated to do it on my own if my EVER PRESENT AND ALWAYS DREAMED OF LIFE does not fall into place. -- That possibility of NOT reaching that romantic goal of husband and babies MIGHT NOT HAPPEN (especially at this pace) and thankfully I live in a time, where I can make that choice and decision....

Wow this certainly did take an interesting turn....

Reading

2009-12-21T11:47:00.000-08:00

I always find it HILARIOUS when im reading a steamy sex scene, blush because of the racy content and then realize, nobody but you KNOWS whats going on....its like the movie in my mind can be seen to others-- then I remember that they cant see the dark and sensual thoughts courseing in my mind's eye---- and continue to read on read ON! lol

Fire

2009-12-02T07:15:00.000-08:00

So after enjoying delish flavored Hookah with some of my neighbors we innocently cleaned up and they left and I went to bed.

I smelled smoke but thought nothing of it as my window was open and I live on the East Coast now so having fires during the appropriate season is not surprising-- (lol @ Cali ppl wondering WTF?)

Well-- I get a knock on my door, its my roommates freaking out that there is FIRE IN THE KITCHEN!!!!

Turns out that there were lingering embers and when dumped out into the trash, and then decided to smoke profusely turning our apartment into a sound stage for a horror flick.

Now, I do have expreience with fire, and Im pretty confiendent in my traumatic situation calm and levelheadedness regarding emergency and possibly stressful situations-- (thank you HOURS of watching TV and knowing pretty much what to do in any situation-- BIG shout out to Bear Grylls for no other reason than you are hot and I like seeing you strip down and not get hypothermia by doing nude jumping jacks).

So my instict kicked in, and to avoid a HUGE situation b y bringing out the fire extinguisher, I just told the roommate to pour water over the situation, KNOWING that it was not a grease or electric fire and that water should sort the situation out appropriately. Well-- and this is hindsight-- there was a pizza box in that "situation" and THAT had grease on it, so when we went to pour water on it-- flames errupted.

K-- time for the extinguisher--which I have never used (thank God) until that moment, pull pin--aim-fire (no pun intended).

So yeah-- no damage other than the stress... spent a majority of that night cleaning up the mess that was made from battling horrendous flames and coming out the victor!!!!! I feel like I should have a calendar now that Im a FIYA FIGHTA!

Yep-- that was my Monday night/Tuesday morning....

Open invitation to any calendar fire fighters to come teach me some tips! lol (MUST be in a calendar! lol)

Today

2009-12-01T06:17:00.000-08:00

I can only live my life day to day--- minute to minute-- and breathe....

So I have had some disappointment recently in the realm of profession. I understand why the move didnt happen and its not a fault-- well I guess I can blame Bush for the shitty economy, but other than that-- this is life...

So i keep my head up-- I stay put in my position becuase of the flexibility and the benefits and not to mention I LOVE WORKING HERE!

I am tired today, but rejuvinated in a way. I have gained back the focus that I need to propell me into good places. I am trying to stay positive, which is a daily battle and remember why I do what I do--- and also to know that all things that are meant to be will be.. that this path I walk, yes is mine, but I do not walk it alone... and that is a comfort.

So I wake every morning, with hope... I have also been writing again, which is NICE and refreshing and helps put that immediate feeling or thought down-- to be perserved and expanded or contracted. I love that about writing :)

So here is a piece that I have recently done:

Thoughts

I have a great many things to think about
A great many things to ponder
Daily life pales at my ideal
Future life
Yet
I struggle to consistently remember this broader view of the daily—and how the daily will blend with the future at one point
I spin within a Tuesday
Desperately grasping my wants
Frustrated at my diminutive reach
Continuous contradictions afflict me
The self is ever changing
Ever failing
Ever achieving
Ever pining

Contentment without struggle is weakness
I walk though the curtain of fog—into clear ponds of understanding
Into peace—from my ponderings
If only to start again tomorrow.

Go team GO!

2009-09-14T09:17:00.001-07:00

I have not posted a blog in quite some time....

I have been terribly busy and at the same time, conflicted on what I really wanted to convey. The summer is over and I start back in classes tomorrow night-- IM SYKED! I hope I didnt forget how to be GREAT! LOL

I have had a very busy summer-- I did an internship, worked full time, got a lot of things done, moved, lost my cat, found my cat, my mother came to visit and help me prepare for my move, and have generally refocused myself.

I want to have a more narrow view so that I dont get overwhelmed by too many things going on right now. I want to be able to take care of myself and be a great positive influence on those around me. I am ready for the new challenges that will come, and prepared to embrace the woman that I am becoming and having faith and confidence in my abilities which are great in breadth and depth! (giggle)

All that being said-- GO ME!

Lost?.....

2009-07-30T09:31:00.001-07:00

So I am feeling rather lost recently. Almost as if I have lost focus of what I want and where I am going. This is unnevering to say the least. I came to Boston with so many ideas and goals on changing myself and making myself into the person I envisioned myself being. NOt just here for school, but to really get to KNOW myself. I am always envious of those women who are always so level headed and know themselves (Molly comes to mind immediately), or who are able to exude such a confidence. I think that one of my greater fears is not really knowing who I am and where I am going and being content and happy in my own skin.

I am working on NOT comparing myself so much to others---ugh.....

Reading, Eat, Pray, Love, might be putting this into focus for me more forcefully than what it is, but I still cant help but feel as though I have no idea who I am. I am working on being more comfortable in my own skin, but its like 2 different people are experiencing my life-- which I know makes me sound like I am loosing my mind.

I try everyday to find the silver lining, the good, the light, the positive. And can say with honesty that it has been an easier thing for me to do than in recent years. I am trying the whole, positivity begets positivity and vice versa for anything negative.

I would love to just drop everything and leave and travel and confront the fears I have of being alone, the fear of not being enough, and not being successful. One day. One day I will just leave....and come back changed and brighter and confident. I fear that I lack the confidence needed to acheive the professional success that I so crave.

I am heading BACK TO THE GYM starting tomorrow--body you dont have a choice! I want to change myself physically, because I noticed today that I lack the energy that I once had, that my body needs to be stretched more as I have been having wicked shin splints recently everyday, and its simply not good.

I want to be the me of my dreams.

the quest of more

2009-07-23T12:03:00.000-07:00

I personally think that there should be a continued quest for "more". Which, means, that "more" has to become and ideal and not just an intangilble idiom floating around out there in the world full of the material.

I think that business should be thinking "more"--but in what context? They should be thinking of course, how can we gain "more" market share, how can we gain "more" revenue... thats old news--- what I would like to see companys say to themselves is how can we do "more" so that we attract that market share we crave....how can we do "more" for our community so that people and other companies want to do business with us thus gaining more revenue....

I think that 2009 should be a year, (and I know it has been for me), and internaly focus year, reflection that translates into change and that change into changing actions. A betterment if you will. I think it started with the CHANGE we have all wanted and that began with our govenement-- a focus of change of working with what we have and making it better.

I think that 2009, should be revolutionary, and that people should start with self-evaluations and self-checking. My theory on self-checking is an important one. Oh, you think you should say something to that person who stepped on your shoes or bumped you-- THINK AGAIN.... they say that Americans are all rude-- ITS BECAUSE WE ARE.... politeness goes a long way... SELF check YOSELF-- Self-check when you THINK that you are entitled, Self-check when you think that you need to satisfy your narcissitic need and idea of pride---I am convinced that if more self-checking occured, this world we definitely be a better place. Its taking the time, to actually put yourself in someone else's shoes, if only for an instant.

And so with these issues, theories, business plans layouts out there--...if you dont take anything else away from this... just do me the favor and SMILE at someone--just once today... it goes a long way.

this is y i hate dating

2009-07-19T13:26:00.000-07:00

Im going to make this as brief as possible.

Last nights date was alright as far as dates go....buuuuuutttttttt it was the guy that was simply NOT stacking up.

DO NOT APPLY IF:

you dont eat cheese, fried foods, potatoes, pasta, or drink juice, and have ONLY white wine in your fridge for boozy bev.
you make weird faces like IM THE FREAK!
order anything diet (like diet coke and capt. morgan)--or get pissy bc they dont have Heineken Light on the menu
think that being a mattress salesman at a chain store when you are 25 is your final stop on your aspirations for professional development--and you have a Bachelors degree
have front highlights in your hair--matter fact have ANY highlights in your hair after 1994!
dont speak up so i can hear you in a loud lounge--so that im always saying "what?what?what?" like some kind of freak parrot

that is all.......

Evolution

2009-07-17T11:24:00.001-07:00

The evolution of one's self should be a planned event--designated by stages and goals to accomplish to BECOME.

What one becomes is entirely up to the individual, but must be decided upon the knowledge that we are all interconnected--that even the most minute action can have a very large effect on our world as a whole.

I have decided to evolve myself and focus on that--rather than external forces that I cannot control---hell I might not even be able to control this evolution, but its something that I would liek to try and guide, (as we should all know and accept that we are NOT in control-- SHE is...)

So along with my material "Wants"--- I want to focus on the inner me, the me that needs to be happy and satisfied more than lonely, isolated, and complaining driven. I want to be able to focus on the positve more often than not, and become the powerhouse woman that I have always dreamed of being.

I want to be self-confident in my actions, and aware of my impact. I want to be able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror and smile, with gratitude, with a humbleness, and with strength.

This is my evolution...

Over It--Bring on the WANTS

2009-07-17T05:07:00.001-07:00

For undiscolosed reasons I am re-evaluating my train of thought.

Information has been passed my way, that lends light to a situation that on my part was not fully based in reality--- (I can admit this)

So, becauase of these revelations, I am all about being BOSS and gettin in where I fit it, and basically living my life for me and what I WANT.

So to help me do this, I have compiled a list of my wants---things that I feel are attainable and that I can control:

I WANT....

to travel the world--take a year off and just leave for exocitc places, historic monuments, breath-taking views, and new cultures
to get my Master's degree and by that time, have a clear vision of what I want to do in the communication field
to work out at the gym REGULARLY--and to tone and loose some weight
to get this kick ass apartment and for us to be able to move in early--fingers crossed we get all the paperwork in, get the monies in, and are able to MOVE IN!
to truly focus on myself and my development as a person--to evolve into a woman that I am comfortable with and proud of
better money management--stop impulsively shopping
to cook more
a kick ass closet--one that has all the clothe combos that anyone would want, shoes too
to get the necessary funds together and fix my shoes that need fixing
to be happy in my own skin and in my accomplishments thus far

Iunno, this is just a list--something written down to help me stay on track---eye on the prize--head in the game.

I guess that the information that I received was good in a way, it helped me realize how foolish and slightly crazy I was being....to wake up and realize that things are not always as we would want them to be or as they seem.

Just keep swimming--just keep swimming....

This Monday--- 7/13

2009-07-13T18:33:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day.

I looked ridic flyy as I did my hair last night, and the compliments just kept comin! Which is always nice to hear--that you are doing something that the general population thinks is a positive and good thing!

Wore my new tunic from Forever 21-- and was feelin good in general. Got a text from Guy from Friday-- we should hopefully be meeting this week for a dranky drank!

For dinner I had Upper Crust-- they have this coupon you use to get 1 free after you buy a slice, and it was sooooo good.

After, Roomie #2 and I went to Daisy Bucanans and met the bartender Bacon. (not real name but its a long story) Needless to say-- I think we made a new friend here in Boston. He was interested in what we were all about and how we found living in Boston-- the unfriendly city!

ANNNNNDDDDDD I think he wants to be my friend...(eeeekkkkk) I could use a nice guy friend, because I miss the ones I had in Cali--- we shall see as he gave me his email address to send him the coupon for pizza (only good through tomorrow), and Im hoping that we met someone who can show us what this city is all about-- Boylston St is getting played out for my nightlife!

But yeah-- I did good things at work and am starting to get more and more responsibility and people are beginning to recognize me as more than just the receptionist---

So again, today was a good day!

Transformers

2009-07-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

I used to have transformers-- with the Barbies and the dream house and the ninja turtles....

I loved them...

Just finished watching the movie (2)--- Micheal Bay sir, you sure do like to blow things up and destroy EVERYTHING!

Of course I liked the movie, and at one point I was disappointed that it wasnt more plot--that it was simply action, but the plot kicked in and I LOVES!

It was amazing how Megan Fox was clean in her white pants for MOST the movie, and then they finally put some smudges on that tush!

Dude, I wanna B A TRANSFORMER-- ROBOT IN DISGUISE... sing it with me! For all the 80's babies... Saturday morning, with that and Thunda Thunda Thunda Thundercats! (giggle)

The Weekend Thus Far-- Apt. Hunting and more

2009-07-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

So we have met THE THIRD!!!!!!!

Meaning that my future roommate and I have met the 3rd roommate that I have been talking to only virtually up until this point. SHE IS AWESOME!!!! We are all going to get along JUST FINE!

Met her and her mom when they came into town for the Off Campus Housing workshop that Emerson put on.

We met up on Friday to look at, again, the apartment in Davis that we were considering. What we realized were a few things:
1. The apartment, while massively spacious for Boston, was run down and need a facelift--to put it mildly. The things that we didnt notice before and was BLINDED by because of all the space and storage and walk in closets (girls you know that a walk in closet is like a shirtless ripped man who is just manly and delish!), was that there were just gross and unnecessary things going on. It was mostly old and the landlord and the tenants were speaking different languages (figuratively).
2. The realtor that we were working with, kind of a *B*...okay not kind of-- REALLY-- she was pushy and wanted money before she would start the application process. Now being that I have been independent for a while.... I have NEVER heard of putting money down before your application is approved. It was weird and uncomfortable and stressed me out!
3. While Davis Square is a really nice area, its very far for us from the center of Boston--where we all go to school and were I work.

Friday night: after that---- we went out! :) Had some drinks, I ended up staring down "Brett" who was sitting on a stool next to me when he ordered nachos--until he glanced my way, and pushed the plate at me--giving me an open invitation to munch with him and talk.... he was sucha cool guy and after we were done munchin--- I decided (dont know why) that sharing is caring.... I grabbed the nacho plate and decided that the rest of the bar might want some.... I shimmied and shaked and danced with the nacho plate--reminiscing on my days as a cocktail waitress--- and offered the nachos to the entire BAR! Oh LAWD! However, it was a good time, I did get some weird looks, but mostly ppl were happy that I came baring free food! I even got called out on the street as NACHO GIRL when we left! Good times....met a guy....he was dressed so well in a pinstriped suit---oooooweeee I love a man in a suit...we shall see--- the text I received to today read as follows( I only post this on public space because it made me smile and was so sweet--could be a tactic--but for now lets just enjoy the niceness of a good text--I wont be posting any more):

****I INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO BRING BREAKING NEWS:

THE WONDERFUL WEATHER THAT WE HAVE BEEN HAVING FOR ONLY LIKE 4 DAYS--MAYBE-- HAS BEEN RUINED BY A FULL BLOWN DOWNPOUR--BOSTON-- GET IT TOGETHER!!! SIGH....... THAT IS ALL****

here is the great text (stupid rain!):

Good morning the incredibly beautiful smiling absolutely lovely Brianca. It was a pleasure meeting you last night. Lets connect for a cocktail soon!!!!

I mean YEAH! that can be easily categorized as Awesomo 2009!
*Awesomo 2009 is said when something awesome happens and it has to be said in a dorky robot voice--yes I know nerdy, but hilarious!*

So that made me smile today. **Um call out to other men in this city, if you see something you like, SAY SOMETHING, but do so with class...WOMEN RESPOND TO CLASS...and if you come correct, if you come with manners, and want to take a girl out for a drink (nobody said meal), we respond well to that too---oh yeah-- WE ALL LIKE FLOWERS!!!!**

Today: we looked at apartments for the bulk of the day, exhausting stuff, but made more exhausting from the experience we had--cont. to read and all will be revealed.

We saw this great apartment, minus the creepy bathtub, in Porter sq-- but again, far--lets think of nightlife and the fact that we will HAVE to take a cab... thats at least $20 each time we go out...can get pricy.

So heres the meat.... we took a flyer that Roomie #3 got at the workshop, and called the realtor listed.

TURNS OUT THIS MAN IS BATSHIT CRAZY!!!!!!!! Like-- there are NO WORDS to describe him... What I was thinking, besides the fact that he cant drive, talks non-stop and showed us THE WORST APARTMENTS , (im talkin grimy, gross, disgusting, small, barely livable places), is that I think he might have a condition-- like social disorder, touched, slow, something, that or he is on drugs... or had a breakdown, or shit who knows the man was NUTZ!!!!!

Im not going to call out his biznas-- bc that would be wrong... but--lol smh! It drained me of the little energy I had(late night and appt in the morning did not get much sleep)...completely.

Ate at a great place Fresh City---(they have Red Bull Smoothies, didnt have but in the past indulged and bc im a lover of the bull--delish).. then came home to watch movies online...I have several sites that I tap for movies that are still in theatres or TV shows, because I am sans TV for the summer...

**THUNDER***

I WANT!

2009-07-08T07:21:00.000-07:00

So I believe in the Secret. I believe in that power-- I believe in it because it has worked for me. So now everyday, (that I remember) I chant what I want...

*** I wont be telling the chant***

But lets just say that it was "when" I get into grad school and "when" I get accepted, and "when" I move to Boston-- I would correct myself if i said "if"....and well-- here I am!

So---- I say, " I want"...but I realized that I need to change that to " I am", because this next Secret is a personal evolution-- a situational--station change if you will....

I think the power of positive thinking, is a powerful thing indeed!

I have faith that this one thing will work to my advantage, even though there technically is no way as of right now-- at least not one that I can see clearly-- I can only hope and hold on to what I want, and what I think is best for me.

Cheers to living life with the glass ALL full---

The 4th Wedding...and my unattendance

2009-07-07T13:39:00.000-07:00

So I hate that I wasnt there for Ayana's wedding. We grew up together and I wanted to be there for those special moments. I know that I was not able to afford it---blahhhhh-- and I hate it even more that I wont be able to attend the reception that they are having in LA for those who were unable to make it to Cancun...

Broke for that too-- JOY!

I always wished that someone random would be like, Brianca, I will pay for you to live, so that you dont have to worry, I will pay for you to visit your family at like 4 month intervals while you are embarking on higher education.

That would be good. As long as I was in school, someone would be investing in the AWESOMENESS that is me....

But, alas, I am a self-made woman. I, (upon exiting school), will have put myself not only through undergrad, but graduate school as well--and I have the loans to prove it! I know that the life lessons I have learned and continue to learn, will help me wither harder storms, but damn... sometimes its nice to be taken care of and not have to worry about where rent is coming from and deciding to buy cat food over ppl food---

Eh, but it is what it is-- and I wish Ayana and Ian the greatest happiness in the journey of life that they have chosen to experience together. :)

My 4th of July Weekend--'09 Edition

2009-07-06T10:47:00.001-07:00

So the weekend was a great one, filled with a good friend, AMAZING FOOD, relaxation and hilarity.

Started Thursday night buying groceries-- I proceeded to make the most BALLENEST chicken tacos EVER! They were truly amazing. Made homemade salsa and guacamole to go with them.
It was beyond delish.

Friday, as we ended up lounging around til who knows when, started at about 430. Getting ready to meet a friend, (who shall remain nameless for his protection--mostly from me--read on to find out why), in the city for drinks. We started at Sissy K's, then headed to Hong Kong for SCORPION BOWLS.

side note on the Scorpion Bowls-- these are dangerous drinks! They are sugar sugar sugar and then cheap alcohol in a BOWL with extra large straws. These are intended to be shareds amoungst your group--Please note that Hong Kong, along with these bowls of confiedence, has karaoke as well!!!!

We proceeded to drink the bowls, laugh and sing bad karaoke-- great night right? Please read on! Well as the night wore on, and I became mildly obsessed with the horses that pull the carriages outside Hong Kong, I turn around and my friend that we met up with is GONE.... just left.... no word, no see ya, no " We want to pick up chicks so we have to ditch you guys..." NOTHING!

So we head to the water.... a short walk down through Faneiul (spelling) Hall and we are there.

I forget how much I love the smell of water. The breeze and the chill-- the salty air and the sound of water lapping onto rocks. Its the Cali in me... sigh

So there was chilling on the lounges that they had, admiring the bathroom, (which wouldnt take my quarter and let me in), apparently this bathroom is self-cleaning and digital-like--who knows I didnt get to experience it. Kinda miffed about that one, but please keep in mind, I was Scorpioned bowled! So the Marriott was kind enough to have clean bathrooms and public ones at that!!!!!

Then we came across the ice cream man, after several angry texts and phone calls to the ditcher! Vanilla ice cream helped quell my anger----

After taking a walk around eating ice cream is great-- then deciding to go into a bar and dance like maniacs was even better! Ended the night at a friends house just kickin back enjoyin life!

Saturday-- was another late wake up--but what are the weekends for? Then I had the BEST IDEA EVER!!!!! Rooftop Secret Garden!!!!!

It was truly a stroke of G! We scouted the location first to make sure that it would be open to us, it was, we got drinks and snacks and proceeded to GET SOME SUN!!!! WOOOOHOOOO---

Now I am by no means tan from the 2 days, (Saturday was a really late start), but I have shaded in the yellow! It was great to just chill and read a book in the sun! Ahhh memories of a beach in Cali-- our secret spot--

So then we left, came home for more chillin, I fell asleep then was woken to the sound of BOOMING! Turns out that I was able to see the whole Boston Pops show from my porch!!!!

It was great to not have to get in the crowds yet to still be able to enjoy the show!

Sunday was much like Saturday, except we got an earlier start.

However there was a very disturbing incident that occured:

While I was sleeping on the blanket in the sun, loving life, I get yelled at by 3 12 year olds. "Excuse me, EXCUSE ME...." " Huh?" --me waking up groggy---" Do you have a cigarette?" "No, uh I dont smoke"-- they walk away... And I fully wake up, perplexed and a little miffed at the situation that I have woken to. What the HELL?! So you wake up a stranger, to ask for a cigarette because you are bored and think its cool to smoke?

I let it go, but how could I, when 5 MINUTES LATER, 2 out of the original 3 come BACK to me asking for a cigarette for her mom! Yeah, because Im stupid, " NO, I DONT SMOKE!"....

It was so disturbing to know that these young girls have NO CLUE about what is in cigarettes or the addictiveness related to this, and that they would have the audacity to come and ask me 2 times for the same thing with the variation of "Its for my mom," qualifying the fact that YOU WANT TO SMOKE!

I have no clue what is going on with the youth today, but when 12 year olds are asking random people for cigs, somethings gotta give!

All in all, my weekend, (which was capped by a delish dinner of the tacos from Thursday night), was great. It was not too crazy, and had a lot of chilling which is what I needed.

Rain-- my bone to pick with Boston

2009-07-01T13:19:00.001-07:00

So-- ummmmm its like been raining MOST of the days since I returned from Sunny Cali...I personally dont mind the rain, I actually love the smell of it and the anticipation of it before it gets here-- I like it when it gets all windy right before it rains, and then the rain is a straight downpour and it nourishes life, and stimulates growth, and makes everything super green....BUT---- EVERYDAY?

Whats up with that BOSTON?! Yeah you heard me! Im callin you out!

I check the weather-- and you know what it says? It says hi of 72--low of 62, and that it probably will shower... well THIS is thunder Im hearing, and its pouring! Never once have you ACTUALLY been true to what is predicted...NOW you wanna be reliable? Little too late!

Boston, when you have indicated that it is going to rain the past, it has simply been a sprinkling, nothing too serious, but mostly a study in humiliating me by making me wear rain boots and there is no REAL rain--so I walk around in rubber boots and peoplel look at me funny. No big deal Im used to it...

NOW-- you have me in 4.5 inch heels and its pouring. Pouring and dark!

Oh, you think thats funny? Yeah, well, I was thinking ahead, and brought my flippy floppys. Yes, I am aware that my feet will probably still get wet, BUT, at least I wont be falling from great heights and slippin around. Just slippin around.

Sigh, I am hoping that for our nation's birthday celebration that at least the sun will peak out. If not, sigh---- well lets not plan a Plan B quite yet and hope for the best.

Monday

2009-06-29T07:10:00.000-07:00

Crappy Monday!

Its raining, I had to be at work for 8:30, its the first day that I am going BACK TO THE GYM, and Im again, 3 clicks off center.

Sheesh!

Well, the gym thing, is going to eventually lead to a postive transformation. But everything else can SHOVE IT!

This 3 clicks off center thing is getting old, I wake up, and feel that something is amiss, yet I cant quite put my finger on it. I guess its finding my happy??? Iunno. I think that I might be trying too hard to maintain a contentment.

Ever wonder if you are destined to NOT be like most people. That your life is unique, that your path is drastically different from the majority of the population, yet still seeped in reality and society? I feel this greatness bubbling inside me, I guess Im just not sure on how to let it free....... I just wanna be successful, I just want to be able to reach some of the potential I know I have, I just wanna tap into that extra something, if only slightly more than 10% of brainpower. Hell, I dont even know what I want to do, Im just capatilizing on the opportunities that come my way.... I think it might be focus that I lack that is driving me mad. As of now--finish grad school, get an apartment, get a 3rd roommate, finish the internship strong, go to the gym regularlly, eat better, BE better, reevaluate what path you want to take at work,---- exhausting I know...

I think that I think too much......I think, therefore I am... sigh-- but what AM I?

MJ

2009-06-28T17:36:00.000-07:00

Sigh,

As a friend recently said, EVERYONE'S childhood icon is gone.

I grew up listening to Michael, watching him make thousands of people loose their minds, and dancing until I couldnt walk anymore and simply tired myself out!

He was like Elvis. He was music, and his eccentricity killed him in the end. There is a price to pay for fame, and mostly its the loss of privacy. Its having MOST things you decide to do, scrutinized and calculated. Its buying clothing while cameras snap and snap, and eventually YOU WILL SNAP!

He was an icon, and yet as a person, we will never really know. He was conflicted and confused, as many of his interviews will show, and yet we love him and fawn over him.

I wont pretend to know the man in the mirror...lol... but I will say that I had a relationship with the music and the icon. A love affair that began when my parents put him on the record player. Let me stay up to watch the concert where people lost their minds, and he was glorified.

Michael Jackson the musician, the artist, the KING OF POP---- RIP sir, RIP--- you will live on in infamy, your music will be played and played and played... Michael Jackson the man, may your children have peace and be cared for, and may your life be remembered with fond words....

sigh-- alas, we live in THIS world, and already its drugs this, and not with reality that.... smh ppl SMH (shakin my head!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s7MmEMrCRfc

I know that I will only remember the Michael I wanted you to be... so.....

BBQ Festival!

2009-06-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Oh Mr. Johnson, we shoulda got your autograph!
Sir, 2, (and if I had more I would use them) VERY enthusiastic thumbs up!!!!

We even had some Shrimp on the Barbie by the Australian team!

Oh, now the weather reminded me of San Fran, as we were stuck in a cloud for most of the day, but the beer was cold, the ribs, catfish, fries, chicken, sausage, and beans, not to mention shrimp were all hot hot hot!

We even went to the racetrack as it was held in the back parking lot of Suffolk Downs in East Boston. I bet on 9 and 7. And my pride still hurts as they were the LAST TWO TO CROSS!!!! However, the $2 bets I placed, and the race that followed really made it a full DAY! I never knew how exciting a horse race could be, but smelling the horses, and seeing them ridden, reminded me of good days riding in Texas and how much I love to ride, and jump and show.... sigh....

Aside from the fact that I was the 5th wheel.... sigh.... the day was very enjoyable. I would highly recommend looking on Phantom Gourmet http://phantomgourmet.com/ as they have many events throughout the year here in Boston, the next being a gourmet tasting I believe. I plan on going to more of these events, as whats more American that overindulging in fattening, unhealthy food?! LOL

I have ribs for lunch for next week, if they make it past tonight! I can say that it helped me forget about my homesickness. The "ITIS" did sneak up on us though and when we arrived back at my friend's house, plop...snooze...snor... SO WORTH IT!

The Color Purple

2009-06-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

Last week Wednesday June 17th, I was lucky enough to be given some tickets to The Color Purple. I am ashamed to say that it was my first time seeing the production.. EVER!

I was a wonderful performance full of a cast that had several nominations of the roles that they performed for us. I thinkt that the combination of humor with singing, and dancing was an effective way of getting that story across. It was comforting to see that it was a packed house. There were people there of all different colors, generally just being able to appreciate great art when its performed.

I wouldnt say that I had a favorite... oh who am I kidding! PUSH THE BUTTON.....mostly because it was great fun and singing and dancing and had a great many of the cast involved with men shirtless and just--sigh... if only... MOVING ON....

Yes, given the chance I would see it again. As I know from inside information, getting the African American community of Boston to see this performance in the middle of a recession proved to be a difficult task when marketing. I know of NUMEROUS associations that did group nights as I am sure they were heavily discounted.

The Wang Theatre was something itself! Guady comes to mind when I walked in. I often love simply looking up when I enter such an established venue, but DAMN, overkill much?! There was gold dripping from every corner, naked dipictions holding grapes and somber faces staring at you as you moved forward, then-- like a shining beacon we caught the last few seconds of a quartet of singing gospel singers, whose voices rose above the commotion and into your heart, playing its strings while weidling tear producing powers. Their harmony was a joy, a clean, pierce into what you hoped you would get out of that night.

And I did. :)

The Beginning

2009-06-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!!

There are so many days that I say to myself, "Self, WOMAN, you should really start writing again. You should really find an outlet for all your thoughts that swim in that 'Alice in Wonderland' type mind of yours. WOMAN, Brianca, love, take control--write a blog", and thats exactly what I have done.

I am writing because I feel as though, mind you I FEEL, as though my experience is a unique one. That what I have done in the last year, should be shared and hopefully help others who are looking to change their lives as well. Because that is what I did. I gained courage, I had focus, (which was different from the usual Brianca), and I feel as though I tool control of the reigns of my life for once and guided them onto a path that will take me to the great heights of accomplishment and success that I have always dreamed of.

Let Us Begin:

"Lets start at the very beginning, a very good place to start, when you speak you being with A, B, C....."

The beginning was Dec.30, 2007. It wasnt a very solid year for me. It was one of agony, and in hindsight, great learning. Learning what NOT to do, was the lesson of 2007. I had a job that was, in the best of terms, trying. I felt as though WHO I was, was for some reason, threatening to those who it should have not been. But then again, I suppose we can all feel threatened by the unknown. Anyways, we were moving OUT of the BH, and into LA, and where o where would I find the perfect fit?! Tears were involved, frustration and hopelessness were my current companions and then came Niesha. Her add said something of the lots of storage space, garage parking, sitting area, WALK IN CLOSET--(which she was NOT lying about). And there that day, I fell in love with the most incredible roommate ever! She supported me, got me, listened to me, and most of all befriended me during those months that we lived together. The experience gave me hope and without it-I would not be here, in Cambridge, with Bootz at my feet, typing a blog on my laptop while still in bed.

FAST FORWARD TO JULY 2008!

I had applied, I had toiled for MONTHS over the essay that I was convinced would gain me entry into Emerson College and their graduate program of Integrated Marketing Communication. I WAS RIGHT! THAT, and I think all the positive thinking and "secret" putting out their into the universe. I would say, "if" I got in--and then immediately correct myself and say, "when" I got in. It was that easy. I knew, I felt, I prayed, that God would grant me this monumental change in my life and allow for everything to work itself out. And I thank Him on this day of rest, that he granted me this blessing. To be very independent and to change who and what I was for the better. On July 24th, or something like that, I received a letter, mind you I was in Smart and Final with my grandparents getting something for my mother, and Niesha, bless her, called to tell me that an envelope had arrived. Me, having a ahem, MINOR, attraction to drama, asked for her to open it and read it to me. I GOT IN!!!1 I. GOT. IN.!!!!! They wanted me to be a part of their prestigious program and I GOT IN!!! Mind you-- the WHOLE of Smart and Final knew that I got into graduate school, as I was squealing and yelling to anyone, including my grandparents, that I GOT IN!!!!

Now-- the hard part. Not over thinking, not freaking out, not getting too worked up that I literally had a month to get all my California affairs in order and move 3000 miles to an unknown city, into an unknown apartment, get an unknown job, and move with nothing but my clothes and Bootz my cat. Needless to say, it got done. Mostly because I was moving too fast to actually stop and think. I think if I had I would have gone with my natural inclination, and postponed for a semester.

I deconstructed my life. Everything that I had ever known, and gave MOST of it away to charity! This is including most of my clothes, shoes, and anything else that someone else would be able to use. The one loose end being my car.....

I got on a plane on August 31st. Erica, and Nikki, helped me bring over the last of my things, eat an In N Out burger, have a vanilla milkshake and got me on that plane. I will forever remember their love and that day. My grandmother stopped by the apartment like 3 times that afternoon. And I didnt realize that it was such a big deal. That it was such a move to make, to leave the life that you knew to come to a different world to DO YOU! Because when you are in it... you are in it, living it breathing it just going about your life not knowing how others see it.

I can say, without an air of conceit, that I did something to be proud of... I am putting myself through graduate school away from those that I love in a city that has sun, and such interesting people. I am missing out on life's events to be here and to pursue a dream that Im not even sure I have figured out yet....

That is all for now...

I think this is a strong beginning, and as such, can PROBABLY promise that my other posts will not be as long. But for those that choose to read this, for those that think I have something great to say, welcome. Welcome to the life of Brianca M.-- should be a good story :)