Today--

Its has been a very long time since I last posted. I dont think that anyone reads this regularly.

But this is what I am feeling today, and I needed to get it out.




A lot of the time I wish that people would understand that depression is a forever thing. That it just doesnt GO away. That it effects the most simplistic of things.
That getting out of bed can be the biggest of deals. That you have to pull yourself out of a hole, day after day, and breathe and live, and go on-- and that it hurts to do so.
I wish that it could be understood, that every day is a victory if you dont let it win, and every day there is a small part of you that wants it to win.
I wish that people would know, would care, would see, that depression is very real-- and when it has you.....

Its a fight-- every day-- just to claim yourself as your own.

Untitled

Its unfortunate that its all consuming. That it literally consumes all.

My hope, my light, my sight-- all is eaten by the darkness and the light wavers as a single pin pint hovering above where I might never reach.

Its too much. It too...too.

And it leaves unsteady legs, wobbling as they lurch forward in a patter and rhythm that makes them shudder.

Feeling is

Huh?

Had a great dinner last night with a friend who made a Chicken piccatta?-- something like that it was delicious is all i KNOW!

However work is a different story. Tell me if this makes sense--

Manager: Please send an email to person 1 and person 2 asking them for something.

Me: ok--- I send the email.

Person 1: DON'T send emails to person 2-- he doesn't exist. I will get you the info you need--

Person 1(yesterday): Don't send emails to just one person.

So.... tell me-- what to do what to do--

My solution: pray hard-- asking for strength and serenity.

New Job

I am slowly loosing my mind--- something that will take me eons to get back-- sanity.

The work environment must be a place of comfort and productivity. Not a place where you feel stupid for following procedure only to get told that you are doing something wrong or NOT thinking.

The culture is something that you need to be able to embrace and the company should have similar values that you, yourself have. It should be a place that you LIKE going to, most days, and a place of growth--ideally.

This is NOT the place where I work. I work in a high turnover company, whose employees are in their early to mid 20's-- NO benefits-- and a top dag who LOVES to hear himself talk, but rarely listens--- thus is the work life apparently.

All this to say that I need more money (since I got low balled on my salary) and in order to do so I will be seeking out preferably another position, but in the meantime maybe a part time gig?

Who knows-- I need to write more that's for sure-- so maybe once of those secondary jobs can be in writing.

Any suggestions on resources is appreciated-- any jobs needed to weekend/evening help I AM HERE!

Anyone need a marketing professional with a graduate degree? HELLLLLLOOOOOOO! :)

This past Weekend

This past weekend was nuckin futs.

It was by no means a normal weekend for me and I am not sure how I really feel about it.

It started Friday night with me bailing (per a norm) on my friends bday party-- I was tired ok!

But then I was jokingly replying to a request for a sugar baby and BOOM im in talks for a Sugar Daddy--

Now, normally this is NOT something that I would consider, but I thought why not--

My new motto being: ONLY IF ITS EASY

Because it was easy-- then it got uncomfortable and a lil scary-- this person started blowing up my phone and just generally creeped me out.

Anywho I declined to meet with him on Sunday as planned due to those reasons. You never want to do anything if you have a bad feeling about it.

Saturday-- nothing really went down major, went out that night and wish I would have stayed home. I think that it was a combo of VERY boring environment- not drinking to ease that pain of being there-- and then my own issues of NOT wanting to be in the same environment as some Los Angelenos-- the FAKE HAIR has me trippin and I just dont want to be around people that want this Pocahontas look--with someone else's hair and a dress that is barely there.

Call me crazy I guess. I also need to find my own confidence and hold onto that.

Sunday came and I spent the day with my mom-- which was nice, brunch at Nola's downtown was ok-- nothing there blew my mind in any way-- other than the office gossip I got.

Sunday night though- lost my cell phone and found it again (whew), and then there was a HUGE domestic disturbance next door to us. It was loud and it was largely unnecessary-- I blame the younger generation.

This chick just wouldnt stop antagonizing a clearly irrational and drunk individual. It got pretty bad and the cops and paramedics were called. I was 2 seconds from calling the cops myself. It was a little scary-- I dont want to be one of those people that dont DO anything when there is something to be done.

Holy Moly

Well,

Havent written on here in what is almost a year.

Lost my job, lost my apartment, found a part of myself.

Going to move to LA after I graduate, and only made interesting by the addition of digging deep and finding myself. Its a painful process but one that I am hoping will net out a bright BRIGHT future for me.

I second guess my decision, and am just wanting to "Enter Greatness".

Thought for a Monay

I am trying this new thing where I focus solely on me and my wants.I want to be healthier and work out every day. I want to feel better about the woman I am and the woman that I hope to be. I want to be more in tune and in touch with God and his plan for me. I want to be able to let go and know that things will work out as He sees fit. I want to have better money management, and I want to not THINK so much about things that dont really matter-- like men. HA! I want for things to work out for me and I want to be better organized in my life so that I can see my path and be able to live and breathe serenity and find my center. I want to be the best of things, and see my faults and minimize them. I want to be strong for my friends and family, and myself. I want to have patience and know that everyday I am working towards magic in creating my life.

I want to wake up knowing that I am enough, and living the days with that in mind.

I want to be enough for myself and for those that I love.

I want Mondays to go away-- however--lol--one can only want so much.

Ta Ta for now.

B