Untitled

Its unfortunate that its all consuming. That it literally consumes all.

My hope, my light, my sight-- all is eaten by the darkness and the light wavers as a single pin pint hovering above where I might never reach.

Its too much. It too...too.

And it leaves unsteady legs, wobbling as they lurch forward in a patter and rhythm that makes them shudder.

Feeling is

Huh?

Had a great dinner last night with a friend who made a Chicken piccatta?-- something like that it was delicious is all i KNOW!

However work is a different story. Tell me if this makes sense--

Manager: Please send an email to person 1 and person 2 asking them for something.

Me: ok--- I send the email.

Person 1: DON'T send emails to person 2-- he doesn't exist. I will get you the info you need--

Person 1(yesterday): Don't send emails to just one person.

So.... tell me-- what to do what to do--

My solution: pray hard-- asking for strength and serenity.

New Job

I am slowly loosing my mind--- something that will take me eons to get back-- sanity.

The work environment must be a place of comfort and productivity. Not a place where you feel stupid for following procedure only to get told that you are doing something wrong or NOT thinking.

The culture is something that you need to be able to embrace and the company should have similar values that you, yourself have. It should be a place that you LIKE going to, most days, and a place of growth--ideally.

This is NOT the place where I work. I work in a high turnover company, whose employees are in their early to mid 20's-- NO benefits-- and a top dag who LOVES to hear himself talk, but rarely listens--- thus is the work life apparently.

All this to say that I need more money (since I got low balled on my salary) and in order to do so I will be seeking out preferably another position, but in the meantime maybe a part time gig?

Who knows-- I need to write more that's for sure-- so maybe once of those secondary jobs can be in writing.

Any suggestions on resources is appreciated-- any jobs needed to weekend/evening help I AM HERE!

Anyone need a marketing professional with a graduate degree? HELLLLLLOOOOOOO! :)

This past Weekend

This past weekend was nuckin futs.

It was by no means a normal weekend for me and I am not sure how I really feel about it.

It started Friday night with me bailing (per a norm) on my friends bday party-- I was tired ok!

But then I was jokingly replying to a request for a sugar baby and BOOM im in talks for a Sugar Daddy--

Now, normally this is NOT something that I would consider, but I thought why not--

My new motto being: ONLY IF ITS EASY

Because it was easy-- then it got uncomfortable and a lil scary-- this person started blowing up my phone and just generally creeped me out.

Anywho I declined to meet with him on Sunday as planned due to those reasons. You never want to do anything if you have a bad feeling about it.

Saturday-- nothing really went down major, went out that night and wish I would have stayed home. I think that it was a combo of VERY boring environment- not drinking to ease that pain of being there-- and then my own issues of NOT wanting to be in the same environment as some Los Angelenos-- the FAKE HAIR has me trippin and I just dont want to be around people that want this Pocahontas look--with someone else's hair and a dress that is barely there.

Call me crazy I guess. I also need to find my own confidence and hold onto that.

Sunday came and I spent the day with my mom-- which was nice, brunch at Nola's downtown was ok-- nothing there blew my mind in any way-- other than the office gossip I got.

Sunday night though- lost my cell phone and found it again (whew), and then there was a HUGE domestic disturbance next door to us. It was loud and it was largely unnecessary-- I blame the younger generation.

This chick just wouldnt stop antagonizing a clearly irrational and drunk individual. It got pretty bad and the cops and paramedics were called. I was 2 seconds from calling the cops myself. It was a little scary-- I dont want to be one of those people that dont DO anything when there is something to be done.

Holy Moly

Well,

Havent written on here in what is almost a year.

Lost my job, lost my apartment, found a part of myself.

Going to move to LA after I graduate, and only made interesting by the addition of digging deep and finding myself. Its a painful process but one that I am hoping will net out a bright BRIGHT future for me.

I second guess my decision, and am just wanting to "Enter Greatness".

Thought for a Monay

I am trying this new thing where I focus solely on me and my wants.I want to be healthier and work out every day. I want to feel better about the woman I am and the woman that I hope to be. I want to be more in tune and in touch with God and his plan for me. I want to be able to let go and know that things will work out as He sees fit. I want to have better money management, and I want to not THINK so much about things that dont really matter-- like men. HA! I want for things to work out for me and I want to be better organized in my life so that I can see my path and be able to live and breathe serenity and find my center. I want to be the best of things, and see my faults and minimize them. I want to be strong for my friends and family, and myself. I want to have patience and know that everyday I am working towards magic in creating my life.

I want to wake up knowing that I am enough, and living the days with that in mind.

I want to be enough for myself and for those that I love.

I want Mondays to go away-- however--lol--one can only want so much.

Ta Ta for now.

B

Some things might not be meant to be....I need to keep it pushin

So, whats really sad--- is that nobody actually reads this--other than my 2 followers-- not even my family.

AND

that I think im destined to be alone. Not having an actual relationship in 6 years is NOT a phase-- its a reality--and should be a sign to myself--however I have chosen to ignore the facts and place my faith in the "what if".

I am trying more and more each day to be ok with this reality. Girlfriends that mean well-- are NOT making the situation any better. Their eternal springs of hope-- dont help. They just place me back in the cycle that leads to disappointment.

Here are the facts-- and I am prepared to face and accept them, even if I dont want to. so yeah..

I just think that this whole, "the right person is out there" and "you WILL meet him"-- when NOTHING positive has happened in 6 years-- cant be a good sign or a healthy way to think about this. I know that they want to bring postitivity to my life-- but the SITUATION speaks for itself. I might not be meant for anyone on this earth. I might be meant for solitude and something other than being in a relationship and being able to build and share my life with a significant other. This hopeless romantic is just that-- HOPELESS! And to repeatedly tell me something that is alternative to what is FACTUAL and what LIFE PATTERN has arisen-- I know is meant well-- but in MY REALITY is just mean! It gives me hope-- which ultimately leads to disappointment and shattered dreams once again. No matter what I WANT-- it might not be what I get. So....

Im trying-- to be a big girl about this--to face the facts and reality. To look at my hopes in the face and say-- "You might not be-- so I need to let you go" Its not that its easy to do this-- its not that I dont shed tears and mourn for the loss of hope-- I do. But in order for me to not dwell on this-- in order for me to move on and not SEE EVERYTHING THAT I WANT NOT HAPPEN TO ME. In order for me to be ok and be happy when others are happy with their others... to not constantly compare myself and come up short because no man cares about me for me--- I need to let this go--

So.....

Here I stand- alone.