Lost?.....

So I am feeling rather lost recently. Almost as if I have lost focus of what I want and where I am going. This is unnevering to say the least. I came to Boston with so many ideas and goals on changing myself and making myself into the person I envisioned myself being. NOt just here for school, but to really get to KNOW myself. I am always envious of those women who are always so level headed and know themselves (Molly comes to mind immediately), or who are able to exude such a confidence. I think that one of my greater fears is not really knowing who I am and where I am going and being content and happy in my own skin.

I am working on NOT comparing myself so much to others---ugh.....

Reading, Eat, Pray, Love, might be putting this into focus for me more forcefully than what it is, but I still cant help but feel as though I have no idea who I am. I am working on being more comfortable in my own skin, but its like 2 different people are experiencing my life-- which I know makes me sound like I am loosing my mind.

I try everyday to find the silver lining, the good, the light, the positive. And can say with honesty that it has been an easier thing for me to do than in recent years. I am trying the whole, positivity begets positivity and vice versa for anything negative.

I would love to just drop everything and leave and travel and confront the fears I have of being alone, the fear of not being enough, and not being successful. One day. One day I will just leave....and come back changed and brighter and confident. I fear that I lack the confidence needed to acheive the professional success that I so crave.

I am heading BACK TO THE GYM starting tomorrow--body you dont have a choice! I want to change myself physically, because I noticed today that I lack the energy that I once had, that my body needs to be stretched more as I have been having wicked shin splints recently everyday, and its simply not good.

I want to be the me of my dreams.

the quest of more

I personally think that there should be a continued quest for "more". Which, means, that "more" has to become and ideal and not just an intangilble idiom floating around out there in the world full of the material.

I think that business should be thinking "more"--but in what context? They should be thinking of course, how can we gain "more" market share, how can we gain "more" revenue... thats old news--- what I would like to see companys say to themselves is how can we do "more" so that we attract that market share we crave....how can we do "more" for our community so that people and other companies want to do business with us thus gaining more revenue....

I think that 2009 should be a year, (and I know it has been for me), and internaly focus year, reflection that translates into change and that change into changing actions. A betterment if you will. I think it started with the CHANGE we have all wanted and that began with our govenement-- a focus of change of working with what we have and making it better.

I think that 2009, should be revolutionary, and that people should start with self-evaluations and self-checking. My theory on self-checking is an important one. Oh, you think you should say something to that person who stepped on your shoes or bumped you-- THINK AGAIN.... they say that Americans are all rude-- ITS BECAUSE WE ARE.... politeness goes a long way... SELF check YOSELF-- Self-check when you THINK that you are entitled, Self-check when you think that you need to satisfy your narcissitic need and idea of pride---I am convinced that if more self-checking occured, this world we definitely be a better place. Its taking the time, to actually put yourself in someone else's shoes, if only for an instant.

And so with these issues, theories, business plans layouts out there--...if you dont take anything else away from this... just do me the favor and SMILE at someone--just once today... it goes a long way.

this is y i hate dating

Im going to make this as brief as possible.

Last nights date was alright as far as dates go....buuuuuutttttttt it was the guy that was simply NOT stacking up.

DO NOT APPLY IF:

• you dont eat cheese, fried foods, potatoes, pasta, or drink juice, and have ONLY white wine in your fridge for boozy bev.
• you make weird faces like IM THE FREAK!
• order anything diet (like diet coke and capt. morgan)--or get pissy bc they dont have Heineken Light on the menu
• think that being a mattress salesman at a chain store when you are 25 is your final stop on your aspirations for professional development--and you have a Bachelors degree
• have front highlights in your hair--matter fact have ANY highlights in your hair after 1994!
• dont speak up so i can hear you in a loud lounge--so that im always saying "what?what?what?" like some kind of freak parrot

that is all.......

Evolution

The evolution of one's self should be a planned event--designated by stages and goals to accomplish to BECOME.

What one becomes is entirely up to the individual, but must be decided upon the knowledge that we are all interconnected--that even the most minute action can have a very large effect on our world as a whole.

I have decided to evolve myself and focus on that--rather than external forces that I cannot control---hell I might not even be able to control this evolution, but its something that I would liek to try and guide, (as we should all know and accept that we are NOT in control-- SHE is...)

So along with my material "Wants"--- I want to focus on the inner me, the me that needs to be happy and satisfied more than lonely, isolated, and complaining driven. I want to be able to focus on the positve more often than not, and become the powerhouse woman that I have always dreamed of being.

I want to be self-confident in my actions, and aware of my impact. I want to be able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror and smile, with gratitude, with a humbleness, and with strength.

This is my evolution...

Over It--Bring on the WANTS

For undiscolosed reasons I am re-evaluating my train of thought.

Information has been passed my way, that lends light to a situation that on my part was not fully based in reality--- (I can admit this)

So, becauase of these revelations, I am all about being BOSS and gettin in where I fit it, and basically living my life for me and what I WANT.

So to help me do this, I have compiled a list of my wants---things that I feel are attainable and that I can control:

I WANT....

• to travel the world--take a year off and just leave for exocitc places, historic monuments, breath-taking views, and new cultures
• to get my Master's degree and by that time, have a clear vision of what I want to do in the communication field
• to work out at the gym REGULARLY--and to tone and loose some weight
• to get this kick ass apartment and for us to be able to move in early--fingers crossed we get all the paperwork in, get the monies in, and are able to MOVE IN!
• to truly focus on myself and my development as a person--to evolve into a woman that I am comfortable with and proud of
• better money management--stop impulsively shopping
• to cook more
• a kick ass closet--one that has all the clothe combos that anyone would want, shoes too
• to get the necessary funds together and fix my shoes that need fixing
• to be happy in my own skin and in my accomplishments thus far

Iunno, this is just a list--something written down to help me stay on track---eye on the prize--head in the game.

I guess that the information that I received was good in a way, it helped me realize how foolish and slightly crazy I was being....to wake up and realize that things are not always as we would want them to be or as they seem.

Just keep swimming--just keep swimming....

This Monday--- 7/13

Today was a good day.

I looked ridic flyy as I did my hair last night, and the compliments just kept comin! Which is always nice to hear--that you are doing something that the general population thinks is a positive and good thing!

Wore my new tunic from Forever 21-- and was feelin good in general. Got a text from Guy from Friday-- we should hopefully be meeting this week for a dranky drank!

For dinner I had Upper Crust-- they have this coupon you use to get 1 free after you buy a slice, and it was sooooo good.

After, Roomie #2 and I went to Daisy Bucanans and met the bartender Bacon. (not real name but its a long story) Needless to say-- I think we made a new friend here in Boston. He was interested in what we were all about and how we found living in Boston-- the unfriendly city!

ANNNNNDDDDDD I think he wants to be my friend...(eeeekkkkk) I could use a nice guy friend, because I miss the ones I had in Cali--- we shall see as he gave me his email address to send him the coupon for pizza (only good through tomorrow), and Im hoping that we met someone who can show us what this city is all about-- Boylston St is getting played out for my nightlife!

But yeah-- I did good things at work and am starting to get more and more responsibility and people are beginning to recognize me as more than just the receptionist---

So again, today was a good day!

Transformers

I used to have transformers-- with the Barbies and the dream house and the ninja turtles....

I loved them...

Just finished watching the movie (2)--- Micheal Bay sir, you sure do like to blow things up and destroy EVERYTHING!

Of course I liked the movie, and at one point I was disappointed that it wasnt more plot--that it was simply action, but the plot kicked in and I LOVES!

It was amazing how Megan Fox was clean in her white pants for MOST the movie, and then they finally put some smudges on that tush!

Dude, I wanna B A TRANSFORMER-- ROBOT IN DISGUISE... sing it with me! For all the 80's babies... Saturday morning, with that and Thunda Thunda Thunda Thundercats! (giggle)

The Weekend Thus Far-- Apt. Hunting and more

So we have met THE THIRD!!!!!!!

Meaning that my future roommate and I have met the 3rd roommate that I have been talking to only virtually up until this point. SHE IS AWESOME!!!! We are all going to get along JUST FINE!

Met her and her mom when they came into town for the Off Campus Housing workshop that Emerson put on.

We met up on Friday to look at, again, the apartment in Davis that we were considering. What we realized were a few things:
1. The apartment, while massively spacious for Boston, was run down and need a facelift--to put it mildly. The things that we didnt notice before and was BLINDED by because of all the space and storage and walk in closets (girls you know that a walk in closet is like a shirtless ripped man who is just manly and delish!), was that there were just gross and unnecessary things going on. It was mostly old and the landlord and the tenants were speaking different languages (figuratively).
2. The realtor that we were working with, kind of a *B*...okay not kind of-- REALLY-- she was pushy and wanted money before she would start the application process. Now being that I have been independent for a while.... I have NEVER heard of putting money down before your application is approved. It was weird and uncomfortable and stressed me out!
3. While Davis Square is a really nice area, its very far for us from the center of Boston--where we all go to school and were I work.

Friday night: after that---- we went out! :) Had some drinks, I ended up staring down "Brett" who was sitting on a stool next to me when he ordered nachos--until he glanced my way, and pushed the plate at me--giving me an open invitation to munch with him and talk.... he was sucha cool guy and after we were done munchin--- I decided (dont know why) that sharing is caring.... I grabbed the nacho plate and decided that the rest of the bar might want some.... I shimmied and shaked and danced with the nacho plate--reminiscing on my days as a cocktail waitress--- and offered the nachos to the entire BAR! Oh LAWD! However, it was a good time, I did get some weird looks, but mostly ppl were happy that I came baring free food! I even got called out on the street as NACHO GIRL when we left! Good times....met a guy....he was dressed so well in a pinstriped suit---oooooweeee I love a man in a suit...we shall see--- the text I received to today read as follows( I only post this on public space because it made me smile and was so sweet--could be a tactic--but for now lets just enjoy the niceness of a good text--I wont be posting any more):

****I INTERRUPT THIS BLOG TO BRING BREAKING NEWS:

THE WONDERFUL WEATHER THAT WE HAVE BEEN HAVING FOR ONLY LIKE 4 DAYS--MAYBE-- HAS BEEN RUINED BY A FULL BLOWN DOWNPOUR--BOSTON-- GET IT TOGETHER!!! SIGH....... THAT IS ALL****

here is the great text (stupid rain!):

Good morning the incredibly beautiful smiling absolutely lovely Brianca. It was a pleasure meeting you last night. Lets connect for a cocktail soon!!!!

I mean YEAH! that can be easily categorized as Awesomo 2009!
*Awesomo 2009 is said when something awesome happens and it has to be said in a dorky robot voice--yes I know nerdy, but hilarious!*

So that made me smile today. **Um call out to other men in this city, if you see something you like, SAY SOMETHING, but do so with class...WOMEN RESPOND TO CLASS...and if you come correct, if you come with manners, and want to take a girl out for a drink (nobody said meal), we respond well to that too---oh yeah-- WE ALL LIKE FLOWERS!!!!**

Today: we looked at apartments for the bulk of the day, exhausting stuff, but made more exhausting from the experience we had--cont. to read and all will be revealed.

We saw this great apartment, minus the creepy bathtub, in Porter sq-- but again, far--lets think of nightlife and the fact that we will HAVE to take a cab... thats at least $20 each time we go out...can get pricy.

So heres the meat.... we took a flyer that Roomie #3 got at the workshop, and called the realtor listed.

TURNS OUT THIS MAN IS BATSHIT CRAZY!!!!!!!! Like-- there are NO WORDS to describe him... What I was thinking, besides the fact that he cant drive, talks non-stop and showed us THE WORST APARTMENTS , (im talkin grimy, gross, disgusting, small, barely livable places), is that I think he might have a condition-- like social disorder, touched, slow, something, that or he is on drugs... or had a breakdown, or shit who knows the man was NUTZ!!!!!

Im not going to call out his biznas-- bc that would be wrong... but--lol smh! It drained me of the little energy I had(late night and appt in the morning did not get much sleep)...completely.

Ate at a great place Fresh City---(they have Red Bull Smoothies, didnt have but in the past indulged and bc im a lover of the bull--delish).. then came home to watch movies online...I have several sites that I tap for movies that are still in theatres or TV shows, because I am sans TV for the summer...

**THUNDER***

I WANT!

So I believe in the Secret. I believe in that power-- I believe in it because it has worked for me. So now everyday, (that I remember) I chant what I want...

*** I wont be telling the chant***

But lets just say that it was "when" I get into grad school and "when" I get accepted, and "when" I move to Boston-- I would correct myself if i said "if"....and well-- here I am!

So---- I say, " I want"...but I realized that I need to change that to " I am", because this next Secret is a personal evolution-- a situational--station change if you will....

I think the power of positive thinking, is a powerful thing indeed!

I have faith that this one thing will work to my advantage, even though there technically is no way as of right now-- at least not one that I can see clearly-- I can only hope and hold on to what I want, and what I think is best for me.

Cheers to living life with the glass ALL full---

The 4th Wedding...and my unattendance

So I hate that I wasnt there for Ayana's wedding. We grew up together and I wanted to be there for those special moments. I know that I was not able to afford it---blahhhhh-- and I hate it even more that I wont be able to attend the reception that they are having in LA for those who were unable to make it to Cancun...

Broke for that too-- JOY!

I always wished that someone random would be like, Brianca, I will pay for you to live, so that you dont have to worry, I will pay for you to visit your family at like 4 month intervals while you are embarking on higher education.

That would be good. As long as I was in school, someone would be investing in the AWESOMENESS that is me....

But, alas, I am a self-made woman. I, (upon exiting school), will have put myself not only through undergrad, but graduate school as well--and I have the loans to prove it! I know that the life lessons I have learned and continue to learn, will help me wither harder storms, but damn... sometimes its nice to be taken care of and not have to worry about where rent is coming from and deciding to buy cat food over ppl food---

Eh, but it is what it is-- and I wish Ayana and Ian the greatest happiness in the journey of life that they have chosen to experience together. :)

My 4th of July Weekend--'09 Edition

So the weekend was a great one, filled with a good friend, AMAZING FOOD, relaxation and hilarity.

Started Thursday night buying groceries-- I proceeded to make the most BALLENEST chicken tacos EVER! They were truly amazing. Made homemade salsa and guacamole to go with them.
It was beyond delish.

Friday, as we ended up lounging around til who knows when, started at about 430. Getting ready to meet a friend, (who shall remain nameless for his protection--mostly from me--read on to find out why), in the city for drinks. We started at Sissy K's, then headed to Hong Kong for SCORPION BOWLS.

side note on the Scorpion Bowls-- these are dangerous drinks! They are sugar sugar sugar and then cheap alcohol in a BOWL with extra large straws. These are intended to be shareds amoungst your group--Please note that Hong Kong, along with these bowls of confiedence, has karaoke as well!!!!

We proceeded to drink the bowls, laugh and sing bad karaoke-- great night right? Please read on! Well as the night wore on, and I became mildly obsessed with the horses that pull the carriages outside Hong Kong, I turn around and my friend that we met up with is GONE.... just left.... no word, no see ya, no " We want to pick up chicks so we have to ditch you guys..." NOTHING!

So we head to the water.... a short walk down through Faneiul (spelling) Hall and we are there.

I forget how much I love the smell of water. The breeze and the chill-- the salty air and the sound of water lapping onto rocks. Its the Cali in me... sigh

So there was chilling on the lounges that they had, admiring the bathroom, (which wouldnt take my quarter and let me in), apparently this bathroom is self-cleaning and digital-like--who knows I didnt get to experience it. Kinda miffed about that one, but please keep in mind, I was Scorpioned bowled! So the Marriott was kind enough to have clean bathrooms and public ones at that!!!!!

Then we came across the ice cream man, after several angry texts and phone calls to the ditcher! Vanilla ice cream helped quell my anger----

After taking a walk around eating ice cream is great-- then deciding to go into a bar and dance like maniacs was even better! Ended the night at a friends house just kickin back enjoyin life!

Saturday-- was another late wake up--but what are the weekends for? Then I had the BEST IDEA EVER!!!!! Rooftop Secret Garden!!!!!

It was truly a stroke of G! We scouted the location first to make sure that it would be open to us, it was, we got drinks and snacks and proceeded to GET SOME SUN!!!! WOOOOHOOOO---

Now I am by no means tan from the 2 days, (Saturday was a really late start), but I have shaded in the yellow! It was great to just chill and read a book in the sun! Ahhh memories of a beach in Cali-- our secret spot--

So then we left, came home for more chillin, I fell asleep then was woken to the sound of BOOMING! Turns out that I was able to see the whole Boston Pops show from my porch!!!!

It was great to not have to get in the crowds yet to still be able to enjoy the show!

Sunday was much like Saturday, except we got an earlier start.

However there was a very disturbing incident that occured:

While I was sleeping on the blanket in the sun, loving life, I get yelled at by 3 12 year olds. "Excuse me, EXCUSE ME...." " Huh?" --me waking up groggy---" Do you have a cigarette?" "No, uh I dont smoke"-- they walk away... And I fully wake up, perplexed and a little miffed at the situation that I have woken to. What the HELL?! So you wake up a stranger, to ask for a cigarette because you are bored and think its cool to smoke?

I let it go, but how could I, when 5 MINUTES LATER, 2 out of the original 3 come BACK to me asking for a cigarette for her mom! Yeah, because Im stupid, " NO, I DONT SMOKE!"....

It was so disturbing to know that these young girls have NO CLUE about what is in cigarettes or the addictiveness related to this, and that they would have the audacity to come and ask me 2 times for the same thing with the variation of "Its for my mom," qualifying the fact that YOU WANT TO SMOKE!

I have no clue what is going on with the youth today, but when 12 year olds are asking random people for cigs, somethings gotta give!

All in all, my weekend, (which was capped by a delish dinner of the tacos from Thursday night), was great. It was not too crazy, and had a lot of chilling which is what I needed.

Rain-- my bone to pick with Boston

So-- ummmmm its like been raining MOST of the days since I returned from Sunny Cali...I personally dont mind the rain, I actually love the smell of it and the anticipation of it before it gets here-- I like it when it gets all windy right before it rains, and then the rain is a straight downpour and it nourishes life, and stimulates growth, and makes everything super green....BUT---- EVERYDAY?

Whats up with that BOSTON?! Yeah you heard me! Im callin you out!

I check the weather-- and you know what it says? It says hi of 72--low of 62, and that it probably will shower... well THIS is thunder Im hearing, and its pouring! Never once have you ACTUALLY been true to what is predicted...NOW you wanna be reliable? Little too late!

Boston, when you have indicated that it is going to rain the past, it has simply been a sprinkling, nothing too serious, but mostly a study in humiliating me by making me wear rain boots and there is no REAL rain--so I walk around in rubber boots and peoplel look at me funny. No big deal Im used to it...

NOW-- you have me in 4.5 inch heels and its pouring. Pouring and dark!

Oh, you think thats funny? Yeah, well, I was thinking ahead, and brought my flippy floppys. Yes, I am aware that my feet will probably still get wet, BUT, at least I wont be falling from great heights and slippin around. Just slippin around.

Sigh, I am hoping that for our nation's birthday celebration that at least the sun will peak out. If not, sigh---- well lets not plan a Plan B quite yet and hope for the best.